I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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