Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He's a Shit stain on my heart
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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