Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I smell stomach acid.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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