this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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