Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
