This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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