i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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