took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
