My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
