I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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