**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
