I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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