just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
