My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
