Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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