you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize