I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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