R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
