I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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