I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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