someone owes me an orgasm
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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