I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize