I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You've changed since you got that strap on
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
