$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
