I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
