i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
