There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
