I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
