he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
