Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
