yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
