Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
