Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
