My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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