You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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