Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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