I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
