Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
