She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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