Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
