nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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