Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
