she was so not down for the gang bang
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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