I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
