When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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