Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
