We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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