you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
