when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
