420 ftw
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
