I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
