he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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