I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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