You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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