If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
