at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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