can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
