Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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