God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
