So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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